I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
