this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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