I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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