My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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