are you still at the devil's house?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
