I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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