There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
