Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
