Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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