You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
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Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
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Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize