i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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