its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
