We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
