just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
