I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
