they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
His hands were made for my vagina.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
