you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
