woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
lets start a swedish sibling band together
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
