dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
