EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
