6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
