I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
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You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
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Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
where are my eyebrows?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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