And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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