I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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