she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize