Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
