I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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