So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
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there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
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I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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