im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
sarcasm needs its own font
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
