my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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