The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
