A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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