I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
two words: eviction party
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He? As in you personified your dick?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
