Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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