I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
