Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
