I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
