Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
