i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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