My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
