This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
