i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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