wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
