he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
