My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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