I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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