There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
