if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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