All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
