She is in my trunk
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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