How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
