this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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