Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
