he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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