I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
