If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
